We may be facing a global banana shortage as early as next month due to some startling facts brought to light by a team of researchers from the University of Toronto’s Department of Linguistic Research and Innovation. The team, led by Dr. Kenneth Li, report that the humble fruit may have restorative properties that can help in learning new languages or remembering old ones.

 

Dr. Anna Bas, a Senior Research Associate stated that: “Subjects who ate a minimum of two ‘hands’ of potassium tubes a day reported a vocabulary expansion of 20% per week.”

What’s that? Potassium tubes? That’s right. The researchers have renamed the fruit to reflect it’s miraculous medicinal qualities. One student, who requested to remain anonymous, explained how after just one week in the study, she had begun to speak in tongues.

 

For the large immigrant population of Toronto, this study has created quite the stir. It seems that the researchers have found the answer to a new age problem that many first-generation Canadians face—forgetting one’s mother tongue.

 

We foresee mass-banana-hysteria as immigrant parents seek out this superfruit to cure their children’s linguistic deficiency. I can almost hear the squeals of joy from banana cultivators half a world away.

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Losing My Tongue, FML @ UTM