I hate to jump on the Valentine’s-theme bandwagon, but I must. Forgive me.
One of my best friends from Japan, Christine, recently wrote this article called Am I Picky Because I’m Mixed? for the website Blended People of America. She talks about how she
“fast forward[s] to imagining married life with a man quite soon into a relationship” because “realistically speaking, when you’re of mixed race and are bicultural, no matter who you end up with, you’re going to be part of an international marriage whether you like it or not.“
Christine, whose mother is Japanese and father is British, grew up in Japan, the UK and Italy. As she grew up, she learned all three cultures and languages simultaneously.
In my case, although both my parents are Japanese and I was born and raised there until I was five, we moved around quite a bit after. I spent my crucial elementary school years in Taiwan at an American school where I learned English and had to keep up with my Japanese at home while trying to adapt to the Taiwanese/Chinese culture. Then we moved to Detroit, Michigan for three years where I perfected my American accent and went to a Saturday Japanese school for the first time (now that was a culture shock – maybe more about this in another post). Also, in Michigan I made friends with Caucasian Americans, which was a huge culture shock as well (ironic, because you’d think that an American school would have lots of Americans, right? They actually had more Taiwanese- or Chinese-Americans than any other ethnicity at that time). Then, at the prime teen age of 13, we moved to Osaka, Japan where I went to a semi-international school until graduation. Here I struggled to maintain my pseudo-American identity and getting used to the Japanese culture that I hadn’t really associated with outside of my family, friends and Saturday Japanese school in Michigan. I met Christine and other multi-cultural kids at this school.
But I think this is the case with all of us here at Bananaloft and a lot of Canadians in general. Whether you’re a fourth-generation Chinese-Canadian who doesn’t speak Chinese but still finds Chinese food to be your comfort food, or a second-generation Russian-Canadian who couldn’t get enough of perogies every day (my colleague is exactly this), everyone straddles between two cultures or more. Perhaps you make better friends with people from your background. Perhaps you like to date people who are polar opposites of you personality- and ethnicity-wise because that’s just more interesting to you.
So back to my point.
When you’re part of more than one culture, does that make you picky about who you date because you start to think “hm, I wonder if this person fits in my idea of a multicultural marriage” ? Or does it depend on the person you are? Or perhaps you don’t really think about it at all and you ‘live the moment’? Or it has to do with your priorities and values you hold?
I’ve dated people from a couple different cultures and they were all different. But I’ve always had that foundational thought at the back of my mind…”would this person be willing to learn my language? Can I learn his language? Would he be willing to move countries and raise our children in international schools or at least raise them billingually (or more)? Would he be okay going to dinner parties where more than two languages fly across the room and you have to make sense in hand gestures? Can he try new food? Is he ethnocentric?” These questions were always more important to me than “I hope he likes Jason Mraz” or “Wow he’s really not that good looking” or “I hope he’s a Mac person rather than a Windows person”.
This might sound dreamy and sappy and all that, but I see it as practicality and realism. If you know me well enough, you know I’m not a lovey-dovey person. You know I could care less about my marriage/wedding/wedding dresses/things of that sort. It’s mostly because I’ve grown up sandwiched in multiple cultures and I want the same in my future, marriage and children.
Readers, what are your thoughts? Do you have a mental checklist/question-list like this that you dig out when you date someone new? What is your priority in a relationship?
Related Posts
A Single’s Guide to Love Confession, Moving to Canada, Why Marriage Starts At 23, Intercultural Religious Love, Happy Valentines’ Day! (Screw You, Couples)
- Reina Shishikura
3 comments
Jonathan Mendelsohn says:
Feb 11, 2011
When I was ten years old, a Jewish kid in a private Jewish school, I said to myself: one day I'm going to marry a girl who is beautiful and nice. Nice was key (though the beauty part, I hate to admit, was kind of important too). I didn't say to myself she had to be Jewish, or speak Spanish or be Danish. The 'ish's just didn't matter. The country or the colour. It didn't matter.
It didn't matter then. It doesn't matter now. Though I must say, years later, when my Japanese wife and I turn to each other at night, in that most intimate time just before sleep, we'll sometimes chuckle as I say to her 'I can't believe I ended up with a Japanese girl,' and she of course replies that she can't believe she ended up with a Jewish guy from Canada.
The world is changing. It'll never be as colour-blind as I might wish it to, but one can always hope. Now that would be nice.
Speaking of, nice piece, Reina-chan. Thanks!
SandraGG says:
Feb 13, 2011
I concur. As an International person myself I've become picky with finding someone/meeting friends that have more to them than their home town. Even if it's just a curiosity with the oustdie world, cultures, food–even a general knowledge in geography. It's because my culture is NO culture and EVERY culture at the same time. It's hard to explain to someone who has firm roots somewhere with no desire to leave them.
Joey Santiago says:
Feb 15, 2011
I can only imagine that it'd be such an interesting point of view to see the world coming from more than one cultural background. I'm pretty much all Filipino, and nowadays young Filipino-Canadians/Americans have a distinguishable culture in North America that define us as Filipinos.
I grew up with a lot of Chinese/Vietnamese influences when I was young, and am really only catching up with my Filipino-Canadian roots (not to be confused with Filipino roots, there is a difference) in the past couple of years. As a result, I've dated mostly Chinese/Vietnamese girls in my teen years, and the last couple of girlfriends I've had are Filipino. I guess for me, I end up being with girls from the crowd I surround myself in.
Cultural preferences fall into the compatibility category, but compatibility shouldn't be dependent on cultural preference – because even though someone has 100% Filipino or Japanese blood, their character never really is (READ REINA'S BOOK GUYS)!