So… I’m back and stuff

Hey everyone, I’ve been taking some time off Bananaloft to deal with school, check out an anime convention in Guelph, rekindle my relationship with my girlfriend, and have a life and stuff. So coming back to this, I don’t really have any new content for AOTI just yet, but I do intend to get back into the swing of things as soon as I can. For now though I’m going to write a short article  about something that’s teased my mind for years now.

To supplement an earlier article by Joey, whether youre only just getting into it now or been their back when Nintendo Power just announced Red and Blue, Pokemon means something to you. So dust off your old game boy and Pokemon blue version (cause red version was for the chumps), and than find that box of holographic Pokemon cards still sealed in a double layered hard plastic card protectors because you were sure they’d be worth something someday…

Wait… what was my point again?

And yeah. just lay back and sort of jive with this thought: What if… Pokemon were real?

We’ve all done it at some point, fantasized about a world where the regular fauna were Pokemon. You got a garden? F—- your garden, now its a bunch of plant Pokemon, dancing around being awesome and stuff. You got a dog? F—- your dog, cause now its an Arcanine that’s the size of a lion, shoots fire, and you can ride it to school. You got a fish? F—- your fish, now its a Seaking destroying the world and stuff.

Yeah, caption not necessary

After all that awesome imagining, when you start to realize that you`re not ten anymore and that things do have consequences. If you really break it down, you realize that a world much like our own with Pokemon sprinkled on top really might now be all its cracked up to be. So sadly, though I do still wander around parks imagining Pidgeottos flying majestically in the sky, here are five reasons why Pokemon should not be real:


1. We’d eat them

The first thing you’d have to accept is if our natural world fauna were replaced by Pokemon, we would eat Pokemon. There are Pokemon wild-stock counterparts throughout the classic and new generation Pokemon, so quite literally we’d be farming Pokemon for mass produced meats and animal byproducts. Imagine: Deep fried Pidgey wings, Tauros steak, or Tentacool Sushi. Want to be a vegetarian? Does eating plant Pokemon count? Bellsprout salad? You do realize if you ever eat a coconut, that’s a Egxecutor‘s head. What about all the crazy Pokemon? What would dragon Pokemon taste like? You know that that would end up being some legit world class cuisine. In some countries, eating a tiger’s Penis is considered a rare and expensive aphrodisiac, increasing virility. Well then what would eating a Dragonite penis do? You can stry and avoid this, and just sit at home with your awesome Charmander and love him to pieces, but you know somewhere out there someone’s deep frying his brother’s and sisters. They animated show dodged this fact often, even though you’d always catch Ash and the crew eating burgers. What were those burgers made of you think?

Yummy

2. They’d be tightly regulated

So you have an argument with this guy at school. How do you resolve this? Why not Pokemon battle? So you head outside and whip your balls at each other and start battling when suddenly the cops show up, detain you and all your friends, and confiscate all your Pokemon. Why? Because there’s no way that people would be allowed to freely have Pokemon battles. Remember, we’re talking about animals that can level buildings with their minds and will do everything and anything you say.  Even if we suspend belief that the government would allow people to train and freely own Pokemon, there would have to be super strict regulations in place to make sure no wanton destruction occurs. If anything, battles could only occur at specific facilities (probably structured like bomb shelters) where no humans were allowed to enter do to obvious safety concerns. And there would have to be security personnel with either a) stronger Pokemon to restrain yours if they go berserk or b) weapons to subdue any Pokemon that go berserk. And don’t even get me started on the activists. Organizations like PETA and WWF would never allow Pokemon battling to become common place, even if scientists stressed that battling is in Pokemon’s natures, the opposition to it would be constant and in great force. That whole image of a perfect world where ten year old’s get their first Pokemon, and everyone is all carefree about catching them all: forget about it. Now assuming that the world Governments figured out some balance of power such that ordinary citizens could exploit the right to:

  • Catch and own as many Pokemon as they pleased
  • to freely battle with other citizens in safe ways

They’d run into the obvious and biggest problem of all: money. That’s why…

3. Governments would not be able to support them

Remember those free Pokemon centers you could visit whenever you felt like to magically heal your Pokemon after battles? Look at the world’s state with regards to health-care for humans. How on Earth would we ever find the resources to create an entire health care system for Pokemon, let alone a free one? Veterinary services for pets are already both unsubsidized and expensive. And that’s just for your cat. Imagine a check up for a Snorlax. That would take like… 10 Vets, and who knows how many Chansey‘s. How would you even feed a Snorlax (a Pokemon who eats 900 lbs of food a meal) without going bankrupt in a week? The world barely has enough resources to feed the current human population, let alone one where everyone had pets the size of minivans.  And speaking of pets the size of minivans, most people are aware that Pokemon do this awesome thing called evolve; and now like Darwin evolve over millions of generations, but change instantly within its own lifetime to become usually bigger, more powerful and destructive, and typically uglier. That leads us to the obvious conclusion that…

What the fuck happened to my Bulbasur?!

4. They would be used in warfare

It’s just a fact. Team Rocket was a small but obvious allusion to the fact that Pokemon would be used for crime, but thinking bigger the obvious truth is they would be used for warfare. Pokemon are by definition:

  • intelligent animals
  • that are completely and totally loyal to their masters
  • that fight naturally in their nature
  • and have SUPER POWERS

They are by definition pit-bulls that can kill you in any number of fantastic ways.  Governments world wide would scramble to raise armies of the land, sea and air made of Pokemon. Legendary Pokemon would be hunted down to the ends of the earth by not Team Rocket or any other nefarious organization, but our very governments, in hope of securing an edge on the other world powers. That’s right, America would hunt down the legendary bird Pokemon and genetically engineer Mew-two, likely in the name of peace and national security. Can you imagine the national animal of America being Ho-oh instead of the bald eagle?  Can you imagine the headlines? Scene of villages in the middle east incinerated by the Second Charizard squadron? Sadly, this would be the scene of a our world with Pokemon… you know, assuming that it wasn’t the case that…

 

5. They would kill everyone

Yeah. Plain and simple ultimate truth. Pokemon would not bend to our whims. Jurassic Park said it best, “nature finds a way.” If we try to contain them, make them our partners and fight for us and our amusement, in time they would rebel. All it would really take in western society is one case of a Pokemon going rogue and killing a family. Heck, killing a kid. Imagine a someone’s pet Charmander. And he’s showing his friend, and his friend is poking it, and annoying it, and just being all in its face. What does Charmander do? He lashes out like any other pet would do when you invades its comfort zone. But Charmander‘s not going to bit you, or scratch you, no. He’s level 7 now, so you know he’s blasting that fool’s face with scalding embers. Does it even matter if the kid dies or not? No, because you know his parents are going to sue and request the Charmander be put down. And it starts a media frenzy. And there are more cases. A wild Ekans eats a toddler. A Fearow drill pecks a farmer disrupting its nest. A God-Damn Gyradoes sinks a cruise liner with a hyper beam. I mean, COMMON. HYPER BEAM. WE’RE F—-ED MAN. If we weren’t already extinct trying to coexist with Pokemon, it wouldn’t take much longer to happen, that’s for sure.

But again, it’s still fun to imagine…

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